Part 2: This is not a love story.

grunge, smoke, and story image

4 days, 14 hours, 1 minute since my last cigarette.

I had a thought last night; at what point can I call myself a “non-smoker,” or will I forever be misses “trying to quit?” If a stranger asked me right now if I was a smoker, what would I say? Probably “fuck you,” proceeded by grabbing their pack of cigarettes and running. I want one so bad.

Anyways, back to my story…

So, I had talked myself out of quitting. Given myself a nice pat on the back telling myself that admitting I had a problem was a great step, and that now I was on the road to quitting…but I wasn’t ready yet. Maybe after the holidays. Or on New Years, everyone quits on New Years…

The online tracking for the package wasn’t working, so everyday I texted my boyfriend who was home when the mail came, “did I get a package?” praying to the nicotine gods that he would say no. I started smoking like the Titanic iceberg was coming, whispering sweet nothings to my cigarettes, “you take my breath away.”

It was a beautiful day – so naturally that was the day everything went to complete shit. Monday November 16th, 2015, I texted my boyfriend. “Did I get a package?” “Yup 😊” he responds. With a fucking smiley face! Can you believe that?! Fuck that, fuck him! You can take your fucking smiley face and shove it. That smug smiling grin staring at me… what an ass hole.

Leaving work I looked at my pack of cigarettes; that sexy green box that patiently waits for me in my car everyday, never judges me, never asks where I’ve been, to find I only have two left. I can’t quit today… I’m not ready. I wasn’t mentally preparing myself all day – I’d be ready if I knew it was going to be here today – but I didn’t… so I should go just one more day. I’ll buy one more pack and when that one’s done I’ll quit for sure.

On my drive home, I had my 2nd to last cigarette. I drove in silence, cherishing every last puff. Only a smoker can understand this feeling- with cigarettes you’re not alone, you don’t need music or company to pass the time – you’ve got your old buddy. And me and my buddy needed some peace and quiet.

To be continued…

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