Part 3: Rabit hole to hell

 

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Every adventure requires a first step.” – The Cheshire Cat

6 days, 14 hours, 12 minutes since my last cigarette.

“It’s worth it,” they say. “You’ll feel so much better,” they say. Screw them. It’s all just a giant rabbit hole, but with no colorful characters or pothead cat at the end. I’m sick as a dog, didn’t know I could possibly be this bitchy, and am having nightmares Freddy Krueger couldn’t even dream up. I’m fairly certain I might need an exorcism.

And while I might want to jump off the proverbial cliff and take everyone down with me… I’ll get back to my story first…

I have one cigarette left. One. My fairy god mother must have been out for a smoke break, because I have a devil on each shoulder – both screaming at me, “find the nearest gas station STAT, we’re running low!”

The boyfriend and I are on a bowling league – laugh all you want but it’s awesomely fun… plus it’s a “beer league.” So on this miserable night, the last supper of cigarettes if you will, I’m about to put myself into a situation full of fun, beer, and plenty of smokers. On my way home, as I’m smoking my 2nd to last cigarette, thoughts of how I’m going to convince myself it’s okay to buy just one more pack are parading in my head. I can justify anything with a little determination and creativity.  I get home from work and stupidly ask my boyfriend, “do you think I should quit today?” assuming maybe he had the answers all along, or that he’d see the torture coming from every fiber of my body and tell me it was okay to keep smoking. Of course his passive and predictable answer was, “I don’t know, do you want to?” No. Of course not.

I sat on the floor eating dinner before bowling, with an unopened package staring at me. If I open it do I have to start? “No, but you should just throw it away in case”. My inner demons are ass holes – but I’m pretty sure every smoker will say the same thing.

Opening the package was the OPPOSITE of Christmas day. I hoped my new toy took AAA batteries and the package didn’t include them. The thing was pretty straight forward – looks like a cigarette, two batteries, wall charger, and a couple cartridges that look like cigarette filters. It was really important to me that it looked like a cigarette – which now on day six I can say that was a useless “must have” on my list… but I wanted it to feel as much like smoking a cigarette as possible, so maybe I could trick my brain into believing I hadn’t quit yet… I don’t know.

So I charge up my new friend for 30 minutes before we have to leave and tell myself I’m going to try, but I’ll save that last cigarette for when I really really really need it. Well apparently that time was about 20 minutes later.

To be continued…

 

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